Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!