Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
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Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
This is a true ally.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.