The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.