Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
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*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her