Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
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This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter