Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
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Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I can’t wait!
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”