Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail