M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
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I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Me when my alarm goes off
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/