Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”