Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
we’re dead?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.