The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.