Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
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Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.