The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
You Might Also Like
scared to check what name she chose
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”