One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Kids: Stay in school.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*