“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”