[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
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“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.