I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink