cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
ME:
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I want this so bad
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….