Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
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*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
How I’d get arrested…
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My Guy
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.