My boss called in sick of me
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
At least he brought enough for everyone
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”