Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.