How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

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Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.


why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with


Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?


Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.


GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that


Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?


People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.


Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons


I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.