@danisbadatthis

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

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@SuMacDan

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

@jonnysun

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

@awkwardenabled

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

@DzNuutz

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

@i_zzzzzz

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

@Daveastated

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

@BasicLyes

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

@MikeRevenaugh

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

@CulturedRuffian

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.