How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Art by Pastelkatto
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead