Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.