Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.