Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
You Might Also Like
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I hope they boil the right one.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.