I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
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The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.