Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.