Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
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If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend