Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
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bad
worse
worst
worchester
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra