My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Sorry. Not sorry
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”