[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Butt weight. There’s more!
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH