Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
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a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.