Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Challenge accepted.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.