At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
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My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.