I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn