I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
So glad we cleared that up
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
what’s more important?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK