An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?