Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.