The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My dog learned how to text
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
When your parents check you’re ok.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s