family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
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For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
A great tip. #CakeRex
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human