Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You Might Also Like
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!