Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
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[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.