For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Finally
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
File under excellent bookstore names.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me