Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
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establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.