Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”