when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
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Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?