I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?