Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
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Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.