Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
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“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh