[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
You Might Also Like
Not all heroes wear capes.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once