Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
that colleague who touches your screen
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls