More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass