My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Liquor Store Parking
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My wife gives the best headache.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing