airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
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I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.